WITH CHRISTINE HASSLER
EP 407: Should We Continue the Relationship After Infidelity? With Jade — Part 1 of 3
This call is about deciding whether or not to rekindle a relationship after experiencing infidelity or betrayal. Today’s caller, Jade, has recently been brought back together with someone she loves but whom she left because he betrayed her. This session is the first of three conversations. In next week’s call, Christine speaks with Jade’s partner.
When we are betrayed and we are cheated on, of course, we feel anger and hurt, it was an awful thing to have happened, and we get to be mad and angry at the other person. But if we hold on to those things for too long then we’re the ones who continue to hurt ourselves.
For many people, infidelity or any kind of betrayal is a deal breaker and sometimes it’s not. Sometimes there are so many other things leading up to the betrayal or infidelity that, of course, do not excuse it, but also contribute to why there might be an opening for forgiveness and an opportunity to rebuild the relationship from a fresh start. When it comes to infidelity or betrayal, it’s not a black-and-white topic.
Forgiveness is a process; it doesn’t happen overnight and it is not something we can do just with our mind. We need to do it with our hearts and our somatic body. We need to move through those emotions of anger, sadness, hurt, and shame to get to a place of — “How do I really feel about this situation, and is my heart open to repair?”
- Have you ever been unfaithful in a relationship or have you been cheated on?
- What do you define as betrayal?
- Have you gotten clear inside your mind, inside your heart, and with your partner on what is a betrayal and what the agreements are in your relationship?
- If you have let someone back into your life after betrayal, have you been able to trust again or have you always been looking over your shoulder?
- Have you always lived with a sense of really not getting your needs met?
Jade is having trouble navigating trust in a rekindled relationship that ended through betrayal and infidelity. She would like guidance on how to move past the betrayal to build a new relationship.
Jade’s Key Insights and Ahas:
- After one year, her relationship ended with betrayal.
- Both she and her partner are doing work to rekindle the relationship.
- She is doing inner work to recognize when she is triggered.
- She loves her partner and recognizes the humanness in the betrayal.
- She fears self-betrayal by letting him back into her life.
- She knows letting him back into her life will be challenging.
- She doesn’t know if she can ever trust him again.
- There was dishonesty in her past relationships.
- She felt not enough in her childhood home and didn’t feel safe.
- Her mother did not validate or reassure her.
- She hasn’t felt safe in her relationships.
- She is hyper-vigilant.
- She is leaning into the discomfort of the situation.
How to Get Over It and On With It:
- Put prevention plans and agreements in place to start with a blank slate to create safety for herself in the relationship.
- Know that whatever happens, she is going to be okay.
- Find a place to process her feelings with someone else besides her partner.
- Do not worry about other people’s guilt and shame.
- Release her fear and regulate her nervous system.
- Write about trust and what it means to her.
- Write out the agreements that need to be made to move forward in the relationship.
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Christine Hassler — Take a Coaching Assessment
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