EP 410: How to Be a Better Step Mom with Lorena

This coaching call is about when our childhood wounding is triggered by a child. Lorena feels she has a parenting blind spot when it comes to her relationship with one of her stepchildren. She would like guidance on how to be a better stepmom and how to respond rather than react when she is triggered.

There are different blessings that go along with being a stepparent. But, in general, parenting can be hard. You can love a child so much but still get frustrated and triggered and then feel guilty about it. Understanding that we are human and we get triggered goes a long way.

Parenting is a spiritual practice. For these little beings that choose us, either as parents or step-parents, we have a soul contract. And, relationships and parenting are some of the biggest ways we evolve as humans.

With that said, we tend to reject people and behavior that reminds us of our wounded parts. We can have an ick factor towards it or them because we carry internal judgment and have self-protection mechanisms in place. It is much easier to love someone who doesn’t share the same wounding.

When we are triggered, pausing and taking the time to regulate our nervous system allows us to be in the moment and respond to children, not from the viewpoint of our inner child, but as the adults we’ve become.

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Consider/Ask Yourself:

  • Did you ever feel rejected or neglected as a child? Did you want more nurturing and love?
  • Do you have a child or a stepchild that you just don’t connect to and it bothers you, and you feel guilty because you don’t like being around that child as much as you do your other children?
  • Are you committed to being a better parent both to yourself and your inner child and your child or children?

Lorena’s Question:

Lorena feels she has a blind spot in her relationship with her stepchild and is asking for guidance about building a better relationship.

Lorena’s Key Insights and Ahas:

  • She has been a stepmother since 2016.
  • Her stepchild struggles with emotional regulation.
  • She has a baby and two stepchildren.
  • There may not have been an original mother/child bond in her stepchild’s life.
  • She doesn’t want to be around her stepchild.
  • She feels invaded and resents the extra effort it takes to nurture her stepchild.
  • Her father was an alcoholic and made inappropriate requests of her.
  • Her stepchildren are there 50% of the time.
  • Her husband looks to her to be a mature stepparent.
  • She beats herself up for her feelings toward her stepchild.
  • She didn’t get loving attention from her mother.

How to Get Over It and On With It:

  • Tell her inner child that her father’s care wasn’t her responsibility.
  • Accept that her stepchild is a trigger for her.
  • Try seeing herself in her stepchild.
  • Pause, take a deep breath, and say — I love you, and I got you — when triggered to regulate her nervous system.
  • Do not underestimate what a nine-year-old can talk about.
  • Get in alignment with her husband about her stepparenting.


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It is very common for mothers to neglect their inner child because they are so focused on their actual children. Click To Tweet Wanting something to go away is the best way to keep it around. Click To Tweet It is much easier to love someone who doesn’t share our same wounding. Click To Tweet

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