EP 426: How Your Inner Child Can Stop Being Triggered So Much in Relationships with Oliver

This coaching call is about breaking the childhood patterns that show up in relationships. Today’s caller, Oliver, struggles to embody his power and set boundaries when he is triggered in relationships. He asks for guidance on how to break and grow beyond survival patterns.

Many of us can relate to being our current age but in certain situations, we act in a way that is sabotaging, embarrassing, or doesn’t get us what we want. Why do we act like this? Because there is often inner child wounding and programming at play.

Survival patterns are tricky to change and they can hang on for a long time because a large portion of them are subconscious. Often, we have to duplicate our parental family of origin situation to wake up and transform our survival patterns. It is a necessary part of evolution. It doesn’t matter how much awareness we have, we have to walk through a situation to heal it.

It is hard work and often thankless work when we are the pattern breakers in our family. If we don’t have role models at home, we have to add in new programming. Watching movies, reading books, writing it out, or spending time with others to gain examples of what healthy relationships look like is important.

There are things we heal, and then there are some things that take a bit more time. The evolution, the moving out of fear, judgment, beliefs, and pain into love, is ongoing. The next time you feel that you have dealt with something before, or have awareness about something, get more curious about it.

The work is never done. We are always learning and growing.

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Consider/Ask Yourself:

  • Do you notice you have patterns in relationships that you don’t like and want to change?
  • When you were growing up, did you have healthy relationships modeled for you?
  • When you were growing up, did you have healthy parents or a healthy parent that raised you?
  • Are you someone that has done a lot of work and you know a lot of things, but you wish things were changing a little more?

Oliver’s Question:

Oliver struggles with a recurring pattern of sabotaging his relationships.

Oliver’s Key Insights and Ahas:

  • He is a recently divorced, single parent of two small children.
  • He is aware his pattern came from his mother.
  • His ex triggers his pattern and he freezes when confronted.
  • He gives his power away when confronted.
  • A portion of his development was stunted.
  • His mother was diagnosed as borderline and unpredictable.
  • He has done some inner child work but still has blind spots.
  • He is a therapist.
  • His feelings and emotions have been surfacing since his divorce.
  • He feels he holds power and has clear boundaries in other areas of his life.
  • His father is a public figure in his home country.
  • His mother physically beat the children.
  • He wanted his father to protect him against his mother.
  • It is difficult for him to show anger.
  • He can get stuck in self-analysis.
  • He is a generational pattern breaker.

How to Get Over It and On With It:

  • Drop any expectation that this pattern is simple to change.
  • Center himself and reassure his inner child that he has matured and can take care of himself now.
  • Discover and write out what masculinity means to him and what healthy masculinity looks like in a relationship.
  • Get between his inner child and women with tendencies like his mother and separate himself from his inner child.
  • Tap into his protective “papa bear” energy and unleash his anger.
  • Listen to the Coaches Corner: Internal Family Systems podcast with Dr. Richard Schwartz.


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No child should have to figure out how to stay safe and get love. Click To Tweet Often, we have to duplicate our parental family of origin situation to wake up and transform. Click To Tweet We grow the most when we are able to have a beginner’s mind. Know-it-alls don’t grow. Click To Tweet

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