EP 427: How to Tone Down Hyper-Vigilance with Maria

This coaching call is about giving ourselves the time to be where we are, even if we don’t like it. Today’s caller, Maria, has suffered recent losses. It is causing past grief to surface. She asks Christine for guidance on how to tone down her hyper-vigilance and move through the grief she is experiencing.

Many of us get our idea of what a mother is based on our mother, the media, or other things that are so far off from what a mother actually is. A mother is not a martyr, not someone who sacrifices everything, has no life, or no sense of herself. It is also not abandoning a child, either physically or emotionally, because she’s so caught up in her own trauma.

A mother is being a loving, nurturing model of what a healthy nervous system looks like, what nurturing looks like, what unconditional love looks like, what acceptance looks like, what boundaries look like, and what soothing looks like.

When we are in a phase in life where we are still working out subconscious patterns and wounding, it is impossible to see red flags. If you are beating yourself up for red flags you didn’t see in situations, especially partnerships, please forgive yourself. You had to be in those relationships to wake up! Remember, we are naturally attracted to our dysfunction. We are naturally attracted to people who remind us of the parents who didn’t give us what we wanted.

Please forgive yourself. You can see the red flags now because you have done work. You couldn’t see them before. Give yourself a break. Self-beat has no place in healing. Give yourself that mothering or parental nurturing love that you so deserve. Sometimes it is not time to do the “work.” The work is nurturing, regulating, and resourcing ourselves.

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Consider/Ask Yourself:

  • Have you recently gone through loss and grief that have triggered other loss or grief?
  • Are you in a phase of overwhelm by how much you feel you have to process?
  • Did you not have the childhood or the parent you deeply desired?
  • Have you ignored red flags in relationships only now, in hindsight, they are clear as day?

Maria’s Question:

Maria has experienced a lot of loss recently and is looking for guidance on how to move through the grief.

Maria’s Key Insights and Ahas:

  • She feels emotionally malnourished.
  • Her recent pregnancy and relationship losses are bringing up past grief.
  • She feels unsafe and hyper-vigilant.
  • She feels challenged to express herself or to be joyful.
  • Her mother passed away three years ago.
  • Her mother was emotionally unavailable and detached.
  • She feels overwhelmed, and her sense of self is out of balance.
  • Memories of her childhood feelings are surfacing and mixing with her grief.
  • She wanted intimacy from her mother and her relationships.
  • She longs for connection.
  • She did not have the ability to discern red flags.
  • She is consciously single now.
  • She is a doula who has a deep connection to motherhood.

How to Get Over It and On With It:

  • Have compassion and awareness for the season of life she is in now.
  • Know that her soul baby is holding space for her to be ready for a beautiful, healthy relationship.
  • Give herself the love and the nurturing she wanted from her parents.
  • Allow herself to be resourced.


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When we tap into unprocessed grief, we also tap into unprocessed trauma. Hyper-vigilance is a response to that trauma. Share on X We are naturally attracted to people who remind us of parents who did not give us what we wanted. Share on X When we are in a phase of life where we are still working out subconscious patterns and wounds, it is impossible to see red flags. Share on X

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