EP 430: What To Do When Things Feel Out of Control When You Really Like Control with Cato

This coaching call is about feeling out of control when being in control is how we have compensated for not getting what we needed as children. Today’s caller, Cato, is pregnant and her lack of control is creating panic. She asks Christine for guidance on how to be okay with the changes in her life and her fear of feeling insignificant.

As children, we need to belong. We need love. And we need to feel safe. So, whatever we need to do and whoever we need to become to get those things, we do. The need for significance comes from not feeling enough as a child, not feeling significant just for who we are. So as an adult, we are constantly looking for people to see us, love us, and tell us how wonderful we are because that need was not fulfilled in childhood. Either we weren’t told we were good or we only were told we were good when we did something “good.”

Something important for people to talk about is that — Yes, having a baby is blissful and magical AND it can be really hard at times. There are times when the hard times are more than the amazing times and that’s okay. It is an identity death like no other and there’s no way around that.

The more we resist it and try to hang on to who we were or to keep that version of us, the more we are going to bump up against resistance. Because when we get pregnant and when we give birth, the old version of us dies and the maiden becomes the mother. We have to find our new identity at the same time that we are learning to care for another human being. It’s a lot.

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Consider/Ask Yourself:

  • Do you like control? Does it make you feel calm and safe?
  • Do you consider yourself a capable, on-top-of-it person but something has completely thrown you off your game?
  • Do you fear not being relevant or not being significant?
  • Do you know how to receive, or do you believe that you must do to receive and be relevant?

Cato’s Question:

Cato fears that her pregnancy will make her irrelevant and insignificant. She is asking for guidance on how to be okay with herself and what is happening.

Cato’s Key Insights and Ahas:

  • She is excited about her pregnancy.
  • Her pregnancy is forcing her to slow down.
  • She signed up for Elementum Coaching Institute.
  • Her pregnancy is bringing up depression and feelings of a lack of control.
  • She is experiencing intense emotions and is unsure of herself for the first time.
  • She realizes she has been using control to create safety.
  • She fears slowing down and not being relevant or significant.
  • Her inner child carries sadness and anger toward her father.
  • She is unsure if she is worthy of raising her child.
  • She is embodying receptivity.
  • She feels closer to her womb and her heart.
  • She has always kept busy to distract herself from her feelings.
  • When she slows down, she feels restless.
  • She finds purpose and meaning in her work.

How to Get Over It and On With It:

  • Welcome the new feelings she is having.
  • Listen to this episode when it airs.
  • Embody what it feels like to be in her feminine.
  • Be curious about her restlessness.
  • Savor her pregnancy.


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Parenthood is one of the biggest initiations. No one is ever 100% ready for it. Click To Tweet The more we can accept and receive what is happening in our lives, the more it starts to feel natural. Click To Tweet We don’t need significance. It comes from an inner child who didn’t feel worthy enough. Click To Tweet

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