EP 442: How to Get Attraction and Polarity Back in Your Relationship with Stephanie

This coaching call is about attraction in healthy relationships. Today’s caller, Stephanie, feels she is in a wonderful relationship but it lacks the spark of chemistry. She would like to know whether or not it will ever exist. She doesn’t realize how much her little girl is impacting her relationship, specifically the sexual attraction and intimacy aspect.

One of the reasons sex and attraction are easier in relationships that aren’t super conscious and healthy is because we feel it is the only way we can connect to the other person. When we connect on conscious, intimate levels or we aren’t coming from our wounded self, it can be overwhelming. To add sexuality into that, can often feel like too much. On some level, we withhold part of ourselves.

Projecting our unmet childhood needs on a partner is one of the ways we kill polarity. The safety we need from another person from an adult perspective is different from the safety our inner child needs. The agreements we have from parent to child are different from partner-to-partner agreements.

In healthy long-term relationships, it does take effort and intention because we don’t have the initial chemistry and we don’t have the dysfunction of the drama of unmet need attachment. If we are in a dynamic where our partners give us the things we didn’t get from our parents, it can kill the spark. Just being in a relationship for a while can also lessen the spark.

Consider/Ask Yourself:

  • Have you been in a relationship where there is a lot of love but not a lot of lust?
  • Is there a part of you that believes you can’t have chemistry, safety, consciousness, and love?
  • How was intimacy modeled for you as a child? Was a healthy, affectionate, romantically intimate relationship modeled for you?

Stephanie’s Question:

Stephanie feels she is in a great relationship but the spark of sexual attraction is missing. She would like to know why.

Stephanie’s Key Insights and Ahas:

  • She is in a relationship with someone who shares similar goals and interests.
  • They are both en route to be coaches.
  • There hasn’t been a lot of sexual attraction in their relationship.
  • Her previous sexual attraction to others may have been her inner child attachment.
  • She is unsure if she wants an “out” from the relationship.
  • She feels that being vulnerable and intimate is not 100% safe.
  • She wasn’t able to be herself when she was young.
  • She fears her partner will leave if she reveals herself fully.
  • Her mother was ill during most of her childhood.
  • She has not yet learned to be intimate with someone safe and to whom she can be connected.
  • She wants to feel safe.
  • Inconsistency and uncertainty scare her.
  • Her inner child is working to get her attention.
  • She has been in a survival pattern.

How to Get Over It and On With It:


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Fireworks are loud and dangerous. We all want them, and then they burn us. Click To Tweet When we project our unmet childhood needs on a partner, that is one of the ways we kill polarity. Click To Tweet Having greater intimacy with ourselves is incredibly important because we can only go as deep with someone else as we can with ourselves. Click To Tweet

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