We all have issues or expectation hangovers in our lives we need to overcome and heal.
But how do we do it?
Well, the key to healing is how we relate to the issue . . .
We can choose to be a victim and wallow in pity. Or we can allow shame and judgment to rule our lives and block us from truly bringing what we judge as dark into the light so we can heal it. Or we can choose to hang on to our issue because it makes us feel special or gets us attention (that’s a sneaky tactic so be honest with yourself about that one!). Or perhaps we believe our problem is insurmountable and even though we feel we have tried everything to get over it, we don’t think we ever can.
Or we can move into 100% acceptance of whatever it is we are facing and take responsibility for our own healing, growth, and change.
Last week on the podcast I coached Jeanette who is feeling not enough and struggles with an eating disorder she adopted in her early teens. We talk about the payoff she is getting from continuing to have this struggle, which is preventing her freedom from it.
I am writing to you from beautiful Bali (I know, I know…it’s rough!) with a message that I hope comforts you and helps you move into acceptance of wherever you are.
Exactly seven years ago, I was in Bali and it actually was really rough. I came here right as I was deciding whether or not to separate from my marriage with the intention to gain some clarity and hopefully, some peace.
But it was not a peaceful trip at all.
Once I got here, I was incredibly lonely. Honeymooners and lovey-dovey couples were everywhere. I did not know my way around. And all my sadness, fear and anxiety about the future came up. I cried every day. I wanted to go home and felt so far away from everything I knew – including my own identity.
Although that trip was not exactly a vacation, it was a rite of passage. It supported me in facing my grief and loneliness. It forced me to be present and truly feel the season of life I was in. And eventually, I got through that season which gives me even deeper gratitude for this beautiful season of life I am in now.
Perhaps you may relate to the following scenario: you have met someone you are falling for or have already fallen into a relationship. You love the same music, laugh at the same TV shows, read the same books and eat the same kind of food. Your conversations are endless and your chemistry is off the charts. And everything would be absolutely perfect if the object of your affection would just change that one thing that really bothers you. I am not talking about habits that annoy you or imperfections that the person has. It’s the thing that keeps you up at night and creates endless anxiety. It’s the thing that causes you to feel insecure about yourself or the relationship. It’s the thing that has you attempting to renegotiate your own values.
What keeps you there is the belief that you can change the person. That your love is the magic potion that will save or transform him or her. You see their potential. Your heart is not logical, it just feels what it feels and all of a sudden you are smitten. And often the smitten can be so intoxicating that the sobering smell of the truth is ignored.
Which brings me to today’s podcast session with Linsey who is in a relationship with a functional alcoholic and hoping that if only he would change, things would get better. She loves him and believes that if he can change they may be able to take their relationship to the next level.
Ever love someone so much it literally hurts to see them suffer and your heart just breaks?
Ever feel like you have so much empathy for others, even strangers, that you cannot help but take in their pain?
I get it. As a sensitive and empathic person, I feel deeply. So much so that for years I had third eye migraines because I did not want to “see” other people’s pain. But thanks to many amazing spiritual teachers I have learned the difference between sympathy and compassion.
That distinction was incredibly important for me to remember recently as I witnessed someone I love in a lot of pain. It was so hard to see this person suffering. My heart literally hurt. I wanted to fix, solve, rescue – anything to make their pain stop. But I couldn’t. The only thing I could do, the only loving thing I could do, was just hold a space of unconditional love and compassion. I share more about this in today’s vlog.