Breakups of any kind are perhaps one of the most challenging things we go through. There is so much that gets triggered that sometimes it feels like we will never get to the other side of it. And if there was infidelity or betrayal of any kind, oh boy can the gap between devastation and acceptance feel even wider!
But like any Expectation Hangover, there is beauty in all breakups.
Of course, we have to feel and heal the emotions that are natural to feel during the loss of a relationship without indulging in them. Then there comes a point where we must ask: “What am I learning?” and “What was my part in this?” As we ask those questions, we unlock something that is critical to our growth and healing.
When a relationship ends, we are never 100% victims. We need to take 100% responsibility for our 50% of the relationship. That said, we must do so without self-judgment or blame. We must accept that we did the best we could with what we had at the time, and we now have an opportunity to do better moving forward.
We all have issues or expectation hangovers in our lives we need to overcome and heal.
But how do we do it?
Well, the key to healing is how we relate to the issue . . .
We can choose to be a victim and wallow in pity. Or we can allow shame and judgment to rule our lives and block us from truly bringing what we judge as dark into the light so we can heal it. Or we can choose to hang on to our issue because it makes us feel special or gets us attention (that’s a sneaky tactic so be honest with yourself about that one!). Or perhaps we believe our problem is insurmountable and even though we feel we have tried everything to get over it, we don’t think we ever can.
Or we can move into 100% acceptance of whatever it is we are facing and take responsibility for our own healing, growth, and change.
Last week on the podcast I coached Jeanette who is feeling not enough and struggles with an eating disorder she adopted in her early teens. We talk about the payoff she is getting from continuing to have this struggle, which is preventing her freedom from it.
I am writing to you from beautiful Bali (I know, I know…it’s rough!) with a message that I hope comforts you and helps you move into acceptance of wherever you are.
Exactly seven years ago, I was in Bali and it actually was really rough. I came here right as I was deciding whether or not to separate from my marriage with the intention to gain some clarity and hopefully, some peace.
But it was not a peaceful trip at all.
Once I got here, I was incredibly lonely. Honeymooners and lovey-dovey couples were everywhere. I did not know my way around. And all my sadness, fear and anxiety about the future came up. I cried every day. I wanted to go home and felt so far away from everything I knew – including my own identity.
Although that trip was not exactly a vacation, it was a rite of passage. It supported me in facing my grief and loneliness. It forced me to be present and truly feel the season of life I was in. And eventually, I got through that season which gives me even deeper gratitude for this beautiful season of life I am in now.