Tag Archives: boundaries

What you think will hurt someone may help them more

Are you in a relationship that you know is not what you truly want but are afraid to leave because you do not want to hurt the other person? Is there a friendship that has long passed its expiration date but you continue to stay in it because you do not want to hurt someone’s feelings?

Is someone you love, perhaps even your child, struggling with something and you keep saving them or taking care of their issues because you can’t bear to see them in pain?

Are you withholding the truth from someone or not setting necessary boundaries because you do not want them to get upset?

If you answered yes to any of the above questions I ask you to consider that you are really NOT helping the other person and contemplate the idea that in fact what you think will hurt him or her may actually help them more.

A story will help this really sink in . . .

In my early twenties I was engaged to who I believed was the love of my life. Six months before our wedding, he broke off our engagement and moved out of our apartment. I was absolutely devastated. I felt rejected, ashamed, scared and heart-broken. It hurt so badly that some days I did not want to get out of bed.

I received a lot of sympathy and “how could he do that?” comments, yet, I am certain it was not an easy choice for him either. The truth is though that he had to listen to his heart and honor the fact that something did not feel right.

At the time my perspective was that he made a choice that hurt me, but that is actually not the case. Sure, it hurt at the time, but his choice to break off the engagement was one of the best things that ever happened to me.

That expectation hangover inspired me to take a deeper look at myself and own the ways I showed up in a relationship. I looked at how my own unhappiness with myself affected my partner. I dove into my own personal development and worked with my coach because I realized that if I was not happy with myself, then how would anyone else be happy with me?!?!

My career and mission today is a direct result of that breakup and the healing it catalyzed. I would not be living this amazing life that I love had my ex-fiancé not had the courage to end our engagement.

I understand that breaking up with someone, or ending a friendship, or being honest, or stepping back and letting someone you love figure their own way through a difficult situation is not easy. I really get that it can seem cruel. However, what is crueler is not making choices from truth and love. In the long run staying in any relationship that you are not 100% committed to is not fair to either one of you. Withholding honesty in close relationships will make them distant and cause resentment over time and rescuing someone repeatedly impedes their ability to learn self-reliance and resilience.

This is the topic I coach Sandie on during this week’s episode of the podcast. She is in a relationship she knows is not healthy but has been scared to leave because she does not want to hurt her partner.

Go here to listen to episode 143

Being the catalyst for someone else’s expectation hangover, like my ex-fiancé was for me, offers them a wake up call. You could help them MORE by being the reason they work on themselves and ultimately make their own life better. Of course this is not a guarantee, as some people stay in a victim story and remain under gray skies. But all of us have a choice in terms of how we respond to someone else’s behavior and choices.

Please do not sacrifice your own well-being and growth because you are putting someone else’s feelings before your truth. Communicate with love, kindness, compassion and respect. Just because the truth is not necessarily what someone else wants to hear, does not make it mean. The truth is the truth. Have the courage to honor your truth and give others the dignity of their own process.

Love,

Christine

P.S. Have you been wanting to take your coaching business to the next level? Then make sure to register for my Masterclass Training for Coaches, June 30th and July 1st in San Diego, CA. Go here for more details and to register.

P.P.S. I am excited to share that I will be in London and hosting a one day transformation retreat on July 21st. You are invited to join me to work on releasing emotions and situations that are holding you back. Learn tools that create lasting change and give you peace of mind. Connect with other like-minded amazing people. And receive tons of love, guidance, and coaching from me. Go here for more details and to register.

Did your parents mess you up?

Our parents are the first people we love and look to for guidance and support. They are our first teachers, even if one or both was absent from our lives. They not only teach us how to walk and talk, they also teach us what to believe. Our beliefs about money, God, other people, what it takes to be successful, ourselves, and how the world works, originate from what we saw and heard in our own home. Everything they said or did got stored somewhere in our memory. We yearned for their love, approval and attention.

Needless to say, our parents have a significant impact on our lives. And how they parented us impacts how we parent ourselves today. Many of our core wounds come from things that happened at home. A parent who was critical. A parent who left. A parent who was an addict. A parent who was abusive. A parent who was smothering. A parent who had incredibly high expectations. A parent who was emotionally unavailable. 

I could go on and on. But I won’t because this blog is not about blaming our parents. It is about taking responsibility for our own lives once and for all. 

You have my compassion if you had a parent or parents who you did not feel loved by, seen by, safe with, or acknowledged by. I really get that is a huge challenge to overcome, but you can overcome it.

The first step is to move into 100% acceptance of the parents you had. Let go of any attachment to wanting them to be different in anyway. Let go of any expectation that someday you may get the love from them you desire. 

I realize this may sound crazy, but your parents did the best they could. Really they did. They are just humans. They had their own past and their own parents who impacted how they parented you. You did not come with a manual. Your parents did not have the tools and resources that are available today.

They most likely had their own inner demons that impacted how they showed up for you. The problem is that you took their pain personally. You thought you did something wrong or were unlovable in some way and that is why your parent(s) did not love you the way you wanted. And that huge misunderstanding is the reason why you struggle with self-love, worth, confidence and fulfillment today. 

This struggle can stop once you truly understand that you did NOTHING wrong. You are 100% lovable and worthy of love. You are enough just as you are. There is nothing you need to do to earn love. You are safe.

You must STOP looking to your parents either with blame or with the desire for them to change. It is time to take back your power. It is time to stop being a victim of your circumstances. It is time to stop allowing your past to create your future and present.

How do you do that?

You become the parent to yourself that you did not have. You accept their role in your life and all the lessons you learned. You set boundaries with your parents. You let go of all expectations of them and create your soul family. 

I realize this many not seem like an easy or simple thing to do so I have two recent podcast issues that will help:

Episode 130 

Episode 131

Listen in as I coach Marie and Amy into their own self-love, power, and acceptance. Even if you feel you had amazing parents, there are some incredible take-away’s in these episodes.

Remember: Your parents did the best they could. They did not mess you up. They are the perfect teachers for the things you are here to learn in this lifetime. Forgive them. Forgiveness does not mean you condone their behavior, it means you let go of the judgment and blame so YOU can be free. 

With love,

Christine

p.s. I am headed back to Australia!! On April 14-15th I am teaching a workshop for coaches, therapists, personal trainers, and anyone who wants to build a business in the personal growth field.  It is with Primal Health Coach but open to ALL fields. Limited spacing so go here to registerIf you are not interested in this training, but are interested in a one day women’s retreat I am doing or one-on-one sessions with me, email jill@christinehassler.com.

p.p.s. There is opportunity to receive FREE LIVE coaching from me. On Friday, March 23rd I will be video taping a coaching program in San Diego and there will be 6 spaces available to coach people LIVE ON THE AIR. If you live in the local area (or want to come to San Diego) and would like to be part of this program, please email jill@christinehassler.com ASAP. Please title the email LIVE COACHING PLEASE and then in the body of the email share your name, age, location and question or topic of coaching you would like support in.

Note: This will be video recorded and shared with other coaches so they can learn how to support clients.

EP 131: Heal Mommy Issues and Step Into Self-Love with Amy

EP131

This call is about setting boundaries with parents and establishing a sense of self. Today’s caller, Amy, calls in wanting to know how to incorporate self-love into her life but as you will hear in the call, she first needs to set boundaries and to individuate herself from her mother.

Any parent-child relationship, especially the mother-daughter relationship, can be challenging. Parents are often our biggest spiritual teachers and we should accept that they did the best they could. Think about your parents as children. Consider all the things they went through. Many of our parents were raised when there was no access to parenting tips and children don’t come with manuals. So, forgive your parents but also set boundaries with them.

Overprotectiveness can feel like love but it’s not. It is a love based on fear and not true unconditional love. It creates codependency and enmeshment. Amy became her mother’s possession rather than a separate being. She didn’t have a chance to form a sense of self.

It’s dangerous to think of someone as our obsession or belonging. We don’t own other people and we don’t want to love ourselves through others. Being someone’s source of love is enabling. When we become enmeshed with someone we take on their patterns.

If you have a parent or someone in your life you love out of obligation, set boundaries and do not falter. You may not like yourself or them, in the long run, if you don’t hold firm to your boundaries.

Would you like to become a masterful, profitable coach? Is your goal to make an impact in people’s lives and make money? Health Coaches, join me in Sydney, Australia on April 14th and 15th. And, all Coaches and Therapists can join me on June 30 and July 1st in San Diego for a workshop designed to assist both experienced and new coaches to take their coaching business to the next level. Email Jill@ChristineHassler for more information or visit Coach Training.

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Consider/Ask Yourself:

  • When it comes to self-love how are you doing?
  • Does your confidence depend on external things?
  • Are you extremely close to a parent?
  • Are boundaries challenging for you?

Amy’s Question:

Amy wants to know how to incorporate more self-love into her life.

Amy’s Key Insights and Aha’s:

  • She struggles with self-confidence.
  • She allows her physical attributes to determine her self-worth.
  • She has an unhealthy relationship with her mother.
  • She doesn’t have a clear sense of self or of who she is.
  • She feels guilt and an obligation to her mother.
  • She has no sense of self.

How to get over it and on with it:

  • She needs to individuate herself from her mother.
  • She should get professional help and research Terri Cole’s work to help her with boundary issues.
  • She should have a conversation with her mother about setting boundaries.
  • She should write a letter and let her mother know what she wants their relationship to be.

Assignments and Takeaways:

  • Get clear on the quality and health of your current relationships. Reconsider relationships that rob you of your sense of self.
  • If it’s time to set boundaries with someone, write out the conversation you want to have before speaking with them.
  • Write an F-U letter to the person you want to set boundaries with to get your anger out; then rip up the letter. Then, write a letter about how you want the relationship to be.
  • Get some help. Work one-on-one with someone to help you work through and heal yourself.
  • Free yourself.

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Resources:

Christine Hassler — Join the Free Over It and On With It Community

Christine Hassler Podcasts Including Coaches Corner

Christine on Facebook

Expectation Hangover, by Christine Hassler

@ChristinHassler on Twitter

@ChristineHassler on Instagram

Assist@ChristineHassler.com — For men interested in being on the show

Tweetables:

Guilt is a made up emotion people impose upon themselves. http://apple.co/1hO8XZR… Click To Tweet

How do you have self-love when you have no sense of self? http://apple.co/1hO8XZR… Click To Tweet

Honor yourself by speaking your truth, even to your parents. http://apple.co/1hO8XZR… Click To Tweet

podcastb

WTF is going on, the Mother/Daughter relationship and Ghosting

First I want to reassure those of you who feel like you are going through a really challenging time that you are not alone. Many of us are dealing with intense challenges and expectation hangovers. This is NOT the time to spiritual bypass or jump to the silver lining. This IS the time to dive deep and explore what the Universe is teaching you or calling you toward.

Things are really intensifying as this year ends and Mercury begins to come out of retrograde so hang on!  I recorded a coaches corner for you to help you navigate this time and also take you through a guided meditation to deal with the uncertainty.

Go here to listen

And tis the season for family drama! If you have a family member who you tend to be particularly triggered by, then I highly suggest listening to episode 118 where I coach Kristen on making self-honoring choices when it comes to her relationship with her mother. A self-honoring choice is an honest choice rooted in truth that comes from love – it is NOT selfish. Often setting boundaries with relatives is challenging because we are afraid of upsetting them. However, if we do not make self-honoring choices and set boundaries, we end up resenting them.

Go here to listen to Ep 118

Finally, have you ever been ghosted? Or have you ghosted someone? Ghosting is when someone you were in communication with all of a sudden totally disappears with zero explanation. Most often it happens in dating. You are seeing someone and texting frequently and then all of a sudden . . . crickets. Ghosting can also happen in friendship. It is incredibly painful and frustrating because you are left with no reason other than the reasons you make up in your head (which are usually not very healthy!). Listen in to this Coaches Corner as I explain ghosting from a psychological point of view and give you tips to get over being ghosted.

Go here to listen 

I hope you enjoy these episodes and I look forward to brining you more inspiring and informative content in 2018. 

Enjoy this holiday season and remember that this time of year can stir up a lot. Be gentle and compassionate with yourself and others. Take advantage of the sweetness and magic that is in the air. Let go of stressing about stuff that really does NOT matter. And remember the biggest gift you can give and receive is love.

Sending you so much love and light,

Christine