This episode is about taking responsibility for the part you play in relationships and realizing you did nothing wrong. Today’s caller, Mary, is having a challenging time letting go of an ex. She is obsessing over his new relationship and can’t seem to get over it, even in therapy. During the call, Mary makes a major shift.
It is hard to get over it and on with it when we are not honest with ourselves. I felt it was important to empower Mary with the ability to take responsibility for how she showed up in her relationships. It’s important to look at how we are showing up and what it is creating.
Mary is critical of herself and hard on herself for the choices she makes. Her unprocessed anger, sadness, and lack of fulfillment in her own life were leaking out onto her partner. She wasn’t being her best self to herself.
The more unsettled and unhappy we are in our own life the more we tend to be irritable, snappy, impatient, or mean — often to the people we love the most. I recently wrote a blog, “#1 Tool to Avoiding Conflict in any Relationship” to address this.
As women, It is important for us to know when we are in our masculine and how it throws off the polarity in a relationship. Mary was in her masculine when she created conflicts. I highly recommend the work of Alison Armstrong and David Deida can be useful resources for understanding how polarity works in any type of relationship.
Also, Mary was so focused on her ex she used his new relationship as a distraction from learning the lesson of the relationship. When we obsess about others we avoid looking at ourselves. We can not fixate or attempt to understand someone else without understanding ourselves first. Even if we weren’t 100% our best selves, we need to bring the focus back to ourselves and look for the lessons.
What is your Expectation Hangover teaching you?
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- Is there something from your past you are having a hard time letting go of?
- Are you obsessing about a person or situation so much that it is taking up a lot of your mental energy and preventing you from being able to move forward?
- Can you admit you haven’t always shown up as your best self in a relationship or situation?
- Are you willing to take 100% responsibility for your life?
Mary would like to know how to accept her breakup and get over her ex.
Mary’s Key Insights and Ahas:
- She has been seeing a therapist about the issue.
- She has been cheated on in her past relationships.
- Her father was emotionally unavailable.
- She would pick fights with her ex.
- Fixating on her ex is distracting her from learning a lesson.
- She may believe the relationship ending is her fault.
- She doesn’t want to have to take action to get him back.
How to Get Over It and On With It:
- She should take responsibility for 100% of her 50% of the breakup and realize she didn’t do anything wrong.
- She should take three months to focus on herself and have no contact with her ex.
- She should envision what moving forward looks like.
- How can you really take responsibility, even when you want to feel like a victim, and own your end of something that didn’t turn out like you planned?
- Forgive yourself. We all learn the same way. Beating yourself up will not help you learn, grow, or heal any faster.
- Is there someone in your life you need a break from?
- Always look for the lessons. Any Expectation Hangover or any hardship is bringing you an opportunity to heal. Instead of asking “Why is this happening to me,” ask “Why is this happening FOR me?”
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