Tag Archives: parents

Did your parents mess you up?

Our parents are the first people we love and look to for guidance and support. They are our first teachers, even if one or both was absent from our lives. They not only teach us how to walk and talk, they also teach us what to believe. Our beliefs about money, God, other people, what it takes to be successful, ourselves, and how the world works, originate from what we saw and heard in our own home. Everything they said or did got stored somewhere in our memory. We yearned for their love, approval and attention.

Needless to say, our parents have a significant impact on our lives. And how they parented us impacts how we parent ourselves today. Many of our core wounds come from things that happened at home. A parent who was critical. A parent who left. A parent who was an addict. A parent who was abusive. A parent who was smothering. A parent who had incredibly high expectations. A parent who was emotionally unavailable. 

I could go on and on. But I won’t because this blog is not about blaming our parents. It is about taking responsibility for our own lives once and for all. 

You have my compassion if you had a parent or parents who you did not feel loved by, seen by, safe with, or acknowledged by. I really get that is a huge challenge to overcome, but you can overcome it.

The first step is to move into 100% acceptance of the parents you had. Let go of any attachment to wanting them to be different in anyway. Let go of any expectation that someday you may get the love from them you desire. 

I realize this may sound crazy, but your parents did the best they could. Really they did. They are just humans. They had their own past and their own parents who impacted how they parented you. You did not come with a manual. Your parents did not have the tools and resources that are available today.

They most likely had their own inner demons that impacted how they showed up for you. The problem is that you took their pain personally. You thought you did something wrong or were unlovable in some way and that is why your parent(s) did not love you the way you wanted. And that huge misunderstanding is the reason why you struggle with self-love, worth, confidence and fulfillment today. 

This struggle can stop once you truly understand that you did NOTHING wrong. You are 100% lovable and worthy of love. You are enough just as you are. There is nothing you need to do to earn love. You are safe.

You must STOP looking to your parents either with blame or with the desire for them to change. It is time to take back your power. It is time to stop being a victim of your circumstances. It is time to stop allowing your past to create your future and present.

How do you do that?

You become the parent to yourself that you did not have. You accept their role in your life and all the lessons you learned. You set boundaries with your parents. You let go of all expectations of them and create your soul family. 

I realize this many not seem like an easy or simple thing to do so I have two recent podcast issues that will help:

Episode 130 

Episode 131

Listen in as I coach Marie and Amy into their own self-love, power, and acceptance. Even if you feel you had amazing parents, there are some incredible take-away’s in these episodes.

Remember: Your parents did the best they could. They did not mess you up. They are the perfect teachers for the things you are here to learn in this lifetime. Forgive them. Forgiveness does not mean you condone their behavior, it means you let go of the judgment and blame so YOU can be free. 

With love,

Christine

p.s. I am headed back to Australia!! On April 14-15th I am teaching a workshop for coaches, therapists, personal trainers, and anyone who wants to build a business in the personal growth field.  It is with Primal Health Coach but open to ALL fields. Limited spacing so go here to registerIf you are not interested in this training, but are interested in a one day women’s retreat I am doing or one-on-one sessions with me, email jill@christinehassler.com.

p.p.s. There is opportunity to receive FREE LIVE coaching from me. On Friday, March 23rd I will be video taping a coaching program in San Diego and there will be 6 spaces available to coach people LIVE ON THE AIR. If you live in the local area (or want to come to San Diego) and would like to be part of this program, please email jill@christinehassler.com ASAP. Please title the email LIVE COACHING PLEASE and then in the body of the email share your name, age, location and question or topic of coaching you would like support in.

Note: This will be video recorded and shared with other coaches so they can learn how to support clients.

EP 131: Heal Mommy Issues and Step Into Self-Love with Amy

EP131

This call is about setting boundaries with parents and establishing a sense of self. Today’s caller, Amy, calls in wanting to know how to incorporate self-love into her life but as you will hear in the call, she first needs to set boundaries and to individuate herself from her mother.

Any parent-child relationship, especially the mother-daughter relationship, can be challenging. Parents are often our biggest spiritual teachers and we should accept that they did the best they could. Think about your parents as children. Consider all the things they went through. Many of our parents were raised when there was no access to parenting tips and children don’t come with manuals. So, forgive your parents but also set boundaries with them.

Overprotectiveness can feel like love but it’s not. It is a love based on fear and not true unconditional love. It creates codependency and enmeshment. Amy became her mother’s possession rather than a separate being. She didn’t have a chance to form a sense of self.

It’s dangerous to think of someone as our obsession or belonging. We don’t own other people and we don’t want to love ourselves through others. Being someone’s source of love is enabling. When we become enmeshed with someone we take on their patterns.

If you have a parent or someone in your life you love out of obligation, set boundaries and do not falter. You may not like yourself or them, in the long run, if you don’t hold firm to your boundaries.

Would you like to become a masterful, profitable coach? Is your goal to make an impact in people’s lives and make money? Health Coaches, join me in Sydney, Australia on April 14th and 15th. And, all Coaches and Therapists can join me on June 30 and July 1st in San Diego for a workshop designed to assist both experienced and new coaches to take their coaching business to the next level. Email Jill@ChristineHassler for more information or visit Coach Training.

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Consider/Ask Yourself:

  • When it comes to self-love how are you doing?
  • Does your confidence depend on external things?
  • Are you extremely close to a parent?
  • Are boundaries challenging for you?

Amy’s Question:

Amy wants to know how to incorporate more self-love into her life.

Amy’s Key Insights and Aha’s:

  • She struggles with self-confidence.
  • She allows her physical attributes to determine her self-worth.
  • She has an unhealthy relationship with her mother.
  • She doesn’t have a clear sense of self or of who she is.
  • She feels guilt and an obligation to her mother.
  • She has no sense of self.

How to get over it and on with it:

  • She needs to individuate herself from her mother.
  • She should get professional help and research Terri Cole’s work to help her with boundary issues.
  • She should have a conversation with her mother about setting boundaries.
  • She should write a letter and let her mother know what she wants their relationship to be.

Assignments and Takeaways:

  • Get clear on the quality and health of your current relationships. Reconsider relationships that rob you of your sense of self.
  • If it’s time to set boundaries with someone, write out the conversation you want to have before speaking with them.
  • Write an F-U letter to the person you want to set boundaries with to get your anger out; then rip up the letter. Then, write a letter about how you want the relationship to be.
  • Get some help. Work one-on-one with someone to help you work through and heal yourself.
  • Free yourself.

Sponsor:

Freshbooks is easy-to-use cloud accounting software for self-employed professionals. Freshbooks helps you master your business with online payments and project management options. Receive an unrestricted 30-day free trial, just in time for tax time by using OVERITANDONWITHIT in the how did you hear about us section.

Resources:

Christine Hassler — Join the Free Over It and On With It Community

Christine Hassler Podcasts Including Coaches Corner

Christine on Facebook

Expectation Hangover, by Christine Hassler

@ChristinHassler on Twitter

@ChristineHassler on Instagram

Assist@ChristineHassler.com — For men interested in being on the show

Tweetables:

Guilt is a made up emotion people impose upon themselves. http://apple.co/1hO8XZR… Click To Tweet

How do you have self-love when you have no sense of self? http://apple.co/1hO8XZR… Click To Tweet

Honor yourself by speaking your truth, even to your parents. http://apple.co/1hO8XZR… Click To Tweet

podcastb

EP 130: Heal Daddy Issues and Create Authentic Relationships with Marie

EP130

This call is about speaking your truth and being authentic in dating. Today’s caller, Marie, calls in wanting to know how to break off a bad relationship but it turns out she needs to heal old wounds from her relationship with her father.

If you are asking yourself, how do I stop dating the same person with a different face? You should know that when we are born we know we are connected to a higher power and we know that we are unconditionally loved. Then, our conscious mind takes over and we lose a bit of our antenna and we project ‘God,’ or the source of unconditional love, on to our parents. If they don’t or are unable to give us unconditional love, we search for it through our relationships.

If you have been yearning for love and feel unlovable your story will create your reality. Emotional availability is not just about vulnerability, it is about honesty and speaking your truth.

Would you like to become a masterful, profitable coach? Join me June 29th and 30th in San Diego for a workshop designed to assist both experienced and new coaches to take their coaching business to the next level. Email Jill@ChristineHassler for more information.

If you are a man who listens to this show, I have partnered with the host of the Man Cave, Preston Smiles. The Man Cave is a virtual, conscious-man brotherhood that explores, excels and elevates all aspects of a man’s life.  For $150 off visit PrestonSmiles.com/Mancave and type in ‘ChristineCAVE150′ for the special offer.

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Consider/Ask Yourself:

  • Do you keep dating the same person with a different face?
  • Are you pretending in any of your relationships? Are you a chameleon? Are you being more strategic than authentic?
  • Do you doubt your ability to be loved?
  • Are you hoping someday a parent will show up differently for you than they have in the past?
  • Do you have the relationships you crave or do you have relationships you hope one day will turn into what you want?

Marie’s Question:

Marie has become obsessed with a relationship she knows she should end and wants to know how to get over it and on with it.

Marie’s Key Insights and Aha’s:

  • She has experienced a lot of heartache.
  • She believes men just leave relationships.
  • She doesn’t have a close relationship with her father.
  • She has issue-based relationships.
  • She is looking for emotional relief from her dad.
  • She continues to chase emotional intimacy.
  • She’s emotionally unavailable.
  • She doesn’t let people see the real Marie.
  • She has yearned for male attention her entire life.

How to get over it and on with it:

  • She should write a letter and speak her truth to her father.
  • She should start having an authentic, emotionally honest relationship with her father.
  • She should break her patterns of pretending in relationships.

Assignments and Takeaways:

  • Take an inventory of your relationships. Where are you being strategic versus authentic?
  • Start to have honest, vulnerable communication with the people in your life.
  • If you are obsessing about someone, consider what lesson your discomfort is leading you toward.
  • When it comes to change, healing, and making your dreams come true, don’t just be helpful — be committed.

Sponsor:

Havenly — helps you create beautifully designed spaces with an interior designer based on your unique style. Take the freestyle quiz and get the guaranteed best prices when you order direct from Havenly. Use the link above for 25% off your first design package.

Freshbooks is easy-to-use cloud accounting software for self-employed professionals. Freshbooks helps you master your business with online payments and project management options. Receive an unrestricted 30-day free trial, just in time for tax time by using OVERITANDONWITHIT in the how did you hear about us section.

Resources:

Christine Hassler — Join the Free Over It and On With It Community

Christine Hassler Podcasts Including Coaches Corner

Christine on Facebook

Expectation Hangover, by Christine Hassler

@ChristinHassler on Twitter

@ChristineHassler on Instagram

Assist@ChristineHassler.com — For men interested in being on the show

Tweetables:

When you find yourself obsessing it is just a distraction to keep you from healing what needs… Click To Tweet

When a man energetically feels the expectation that he will disappoint a woman he either runs… Click To Tweet

Do you speak honestly to your parents about how you authentically feel? http://apple.co/1hO8XZR… Click To Tweet

podcastb

Breaking the cycle

This week on the podcast, I coached on a topic I have never coached on air before: breaking the cycle of unconscious parenting.

My caller, Cathy, shares about the struggles she has as a mother. She has observed insecurity and aggressive behavior in her daughter and she owns that her parenting may be creating it. Cathy has noticed herself getting very impatient and sometimes using corporal punishment on her daughter. Even though she knows this may not be the “best” way to parent, it is all she knows.  She grew up rather neglected and corporal punishment was used on her.

Thanks to Cathy’s courageous honesty and willingness to take responsibility for her behavior, we were able to make some tremendous progress in this call.

Go here to listen.

I’ve said many times, parenting does not come with an instruction manual.

Often, we play out behaviors we learned from our parents. It requires a conscious awareness to know what behaviors we want to leave in the past, and which we pass on to our children.

We need to have deep compassion for our parents and then forgive them, to stop repeating generational patterns. Stopping the cycle entails awareness, healing of our past hurts, and then the re-parenting of ourselves to become the loving parent we never had.

Of course this process takes some time and can be intense because it requires us to go back and do some healing of things we may not fondly remember.

Any form of abuse or hurtful, critical treatment of another continues because the victim never heals. The victim either becomes the abuser or internalizes the abuse. Often, people do not share about past abuse, because there is so much shame. This is not just true for abuse, it is the same for any generational pattern.

I encourage you to listen to this episode with compassion and consider what cycles you are committed to breaking.

With love,
Christine

p.s. Many of you have been asking me to facilitate a retreat for women and MEN! Well it’s finally happening. My soul brother Aubrey Marcus and I will be leading a three day retreat in Austin called: Love, Practice Makes the Master.  We will be exploring your relationship with yourself, your romantic relations and your connection with Higher Power and purpose.  Don’t miss this!! Go here to register.