Tag Archives: parents

Breaking the cycle

This week on the podcast, I coached on a topic I have never coached on air before: breaking the cycle of unconscious parenting.

My caller, Cathy, shares about the struggles she has as a mother. She has observed insecurity and aggressive behavior in her daughter and she owns that her parenting may be creating it. Cathy has noticed herself getting very impatient and sometimes using corporal punishment on her daughter. Even though she knows this may not be the “best” way to parent, it is all she knows.  She grew up rather neglected and corporal punishment was used on her.

Thanks to Cathy’s courageous honesty and willingness to take responsibility for her behavior, we were able to make some tremendous progress in this call.

Go here to listen.

I’ve said many times, parenting does not come with an instruction manual.

Often, we play out behaviors we learned from our parents. It requires a conscious awareness to know what behaviors we want to leave in the past, and which we pass on to our children.

We need to have deep compassion for our parents and then forgive them, to stop repeating generational patterns. Stopping the cycle entails awareness, healing of our past hurts, and then the re-parenting of ourselves to become the loving parent we never had.

Of course this process takes some time and can be intense because it requires us to go back and do some healing of things we may not fondly remember.

Any form of abuse or hurtful, critical treatment of another continues because the victim never heals. The victim either becomes the abuser or internalizes the abuse. Often, people do not share about past abuse, because there is so much shame. This is not just true for abuse, it is the same for any generational pattern.

I encourage you to listen to this episode with compassion and consider what cycles you are committed to breaking.

With love,
Christine

p.s. Many of you have been asking me to facilitate a retreat for women and MEN! Well it’s finally happening. My soul brother Aubrey Marcus and I will be leading a three day retreat in Austin called: Love, Practice Makes the Master.  We will be exploring your relationship with yourself, your romantic relations and your connection with Higher Power and purpose.  Don’t miss this!! Go here to register.

EP 83: Letting Go of Parental “Mistakes” with Cathy

Letting go Of Partental MistakesThis episode is about breaking the cycle of generational patterns. Today’s caller, Cathy, experienced corporal punishment as a child, and finds herself doing the same thing to her daughter. As you listen to the call, I hope you are able to separate her character from her behavior. Her behavior is a reaction to her past.

I’ve said many times, parenting does not come with an instruction manual.

Often, we play out behaviors we learned from our parents. It requires a conscious awareness to know what behaviors we want to leave in the past, and which we pass on to our children.

We need to have deep compassion for our parents and then forgive them, to stop repeating generational patterns. Stopping the cycle entails awareness, healing of our past hurts, and then the re-parenting of ourselves to become the loving parent we never had.

Abuse continues because the victim never heals. The victim either becomes the abuser or internalizes the abuse. Often, people do not share about past abuse, because there is so much shame. This is not just true for abuse, it is for any generational pattern.

Coaches Tip — When clients share things that are hard to hear, don’t go into judgment or sympathy. If you catch yourself doing so, say, “I forgive myself for judging or feeling sorry for this person,” then shift back into compassion.

Aubrey Marcus and I are facilitating a 3-day retreat in Austin, Texas over Memorial Day weekend. If you don’t know Aubrey, he is the CEO & Founder of the human optimization company, ONNIT. The focus of the retreat will be about Mastering Love, for men and women.

Email Jill@ChristineHassler.com about joining my Inner Circle membership community.

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Keep These Distinctions in Mind:

  • Acceptance versus judgment.
  • Compassion versus sympathy.

Cathy’s Question:

Cathy wants to understand how she may have adversely affected her daughter’s self-esteem.

Cathy’s Key Insights and Ahas:

  • She feels she made mistakes with her first daughter.
  • She finds herself going back to the parenting tactics of her parents.
  • She didn’t like being a girl growing up.
  • Her daughter is mirroring her.
  • She has unresolved issues from her childhood.
  • Her mother didn’t defend her.

How to Get Over It and On With It:

  • She should talk to her younger self through a photo, and tell herself she did not deserve the punishment she received.
  • She should work with a counselor or a coach who has experience with childhood traumas.
  • Research parenting and discipline tools.
  • When she gets triggered, she should practice giving herself a time out.

Assignments:

  • Get a picture of little you and commit to sending love to the little boy or girl inside of you.
  • If you are aware of your need for healing, get professional to walk you through it.
  • If you find yourself triggered by something, give yourself a time out.
  • Use the scientist technique of Expectation Hangover and become an observer in your life.
  • Consider what patterns you want to pass along to your children, and which ones you want to break the cycle of.
  • Read Family Secrets by John Bradshaw and Conscious Parenting by Shefali Tsabary.

Resources:

Christine Hassler
Christine Hassler Podcasts
Expectation Hangover
Inner Circle Membership Community
Find me on Snapchat @chrishassler
@christinhassler on Twitter
@christinehassler on Instagram
Jill@Christinehassler.com
Love: Practice Makes the Master Retreat

Tweetables:

No child ever does anything bad enough to be physically punished to the extreme. http://apple.co/1hO8XZR… Click To Tweet
There is a reason coaches and counselors exist, because there is only so much we can do on our own.… Click To Tweet
You can do it. You can break the cycle of abuse by becoming aware, and healing your past hurts.… Click To Tweet

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EP 16: Why Our Parents Trigger Us (no matter what our age)

ep 16 (1)This episode is about getting over what you didn’t get from a parent (or parents).

There is no manual for living. There will be times when we get frustrated and angry with ourselves and other people. It’s OK, it happens. We are all human, right?

Well, even our parents are human. Many of us have trouble accepting our parents as individuals outside of the role they play in our lives. We put our own expectations on them to try to fill the safety and security voids we perceived when we were separated from God during birth.

We often long for a love our parents are unable to give us. We need to recognize that just because they are older, it doesn’t mean their ability to love has changed. They love us in the best way they know how.

Today’s caller, Samantha uses self-criticism to protect herself from her pain. She is accustomed to holding herself to higher standards because she coaches others through their life journeys.  She is still holding on to her childhood anger over not feeling loved and acknowledged by her father.

We work through her responsibility to re-parent herself, free herself through a spiritual practice and look at her father with compassionate eyes.

If you are having difficulty processing your anger, read the Emotional section of my book, Expectation Hangover. Try the temper tantrum technique, it may sound silly, but it really works.

Time slots have opened up for coaching sessions in January. If you are interested in a one-on-one session with me, sign up here http://christinehassler.com/category/podcast/.

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Consider/Ask Yourself:

  • Do you feel you are aware of your past and relationship with your parents, but that nothing is changing in your present?
  • Are you a coach and hold yourself to a higher standard, believing you should know better?
  • Are you still longing for something you didn’t get from your parents? Do you experience an Expectation Hangover because your parents haven’t changed like you had hoped?
  • Are you irritable and short tempered with others, but know that isn’t who you are in your heart?

Samantha’s Question:

Samantha wants to know how to stop being hard on other people. She finds herself feeling and doing things she doesn’t feel comfortable with, but she doesn’t understand why.

Samantha’s Key Insights and Aha’s:

  • She feels she needs to protect herself
  • She is angry and may be bypassing her spirit
  • She’s projecting expectations on her Father that he cannot live up to
  • The same pattern keeps showing up in her life
  • She is worthy of her father’s love

How to get over it and on with it:

  • Sam should give herself permission to be who she is
  • She can realize coaching people isn’t about saving them
  • She shouldn’t be lazy when it comes to her spiritual practice
  • She should put her energy into the direction she wants to head towards

Tools and Takeaways:

  • What are you still hoping for from your parent?
  • How can you see your parents through compassionate eyes? What is their human story?
  • Write a letter to your parents letting them off the hook. Don’t send it, but use it as a way to let the issue go.
  • What are ways you can parent yourself to give yourself what you need?
  • Start your spiritual practice now. Ask for help and it will come.

Resources:

Christine Hassler
Expectation Hangover
Liberate yourself at my Winter Retreat January 8-10th
@christinhassler

Tweetables:

Decide how you want to re-parent yourself so you can stop searching for love outside of yourself.”
Compassion is not about fixing or healing your suffering it’s about being with your suffering.”
Sometimes it’s wise to surrender and ask for help and guidance.

 
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doors to my Inner Circle are open and you can receive regular coaching from
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