EP 400: When the Best Decision is Not to Make Any Decision with Lydia

This episode is about pausing and not deciding. Today’s caller, Lydia, has been experiencing massive changes in her life over the past year. She is questioning whether or not to get married. She wants guidance about how she can relieve the pressure of making a choice and how to know what is right for her. She finds that sometimes not making a choice is the best choice.

There’s nothing wrong with questioning. There is always a purpose in it. When we’re in a place of doubt or questioning, it’s good to explore it. When there’s so much change happening, it can put us in more of a fight-or-flight survival-based response and we come from the emotionally reactive part of our brain. Or it can put our priorities and our values front and center to make us question anything that is not aligned.

When we are experiencing a lot of change or grief, it takes a while to find our footing. In times of transition and change, major decisions can be tricky. The part of us that likes to control and to know things, can have a hard time when we go back and forth about big decisions.

If your life is steady right now; if you’re not going through grief or a big change, but you are finding it difficult to make a choice, you might just be scared of change. You might just need to make a choice. But, if your life has a lot of chaos in it or there are a lot of changes and uncertainty about making another big choice, that’s when you can take time to pause and let what is in alignment with you rise to the surface.

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Consider/Ask Yourself:

  • Is there something you’re trying to decide, or choose about, like a relationship, or whether to leave a job and you just can’t get clarity or, you could talk yourself into either direction?
  • Are you grieving? Did you just lose someone that was important to you and it’s clouding your ability to choose?
  • Did you go through a breakup or a job loss where you felt a sense of rejection and your self-confidence took a hit?
  • Do you like to control? Do you like to have answers and being in that in-between of not making a choice can be a little wobbly for you?

Lydia’s Question:

Many things in her life are changing. She is grieving the loss of her mother and having doubts about getting married. She would like guidance on how to move forward with confidence.

Lydia’s Key Insights and Ahas:

  • She is grieving the loss of her mother.
  • She is going through a job transition.
  • She is planning her wedding and a move.
  • She is questioning her decision to get married.
  • She is judging her fiance and feels guilty about it.
  • As an adult, she had to distance herself from her mother.
  • Her job transition left her feeling rejected.
  • She feels resistance when she tries to make a choice.
  • She doesn’t have safety in her nervous system.
  • She is concerned about disappointing people.

How to Get Over It and On With It:

  • Pause, give herself some grace, and wait to make a choice about her relationship.
  • Allow herself to be in the unknown as much as possible.
  • Work on establishing safety in her nervous system.
  • Surrender and take off the pressure to make a choice.


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There are two deaths of parents we have to grieve. Their actual physical transition and then the death of what we always wanted them to be. Click To Tweet Sometimes, the best thing is to decide not to decide. Click To Tweet If we are in the surrender of the unknown, then what needs to unfold will. Click To Tweet

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