This call is about deciding whether or not to rekindle a relationship after experiencing infidelity or betrayal. Today’s caller, Matthew, has childhood trauma that is affecting his adult behaviors. He wants to continue his relationship with Jade but struggles with self-worth and trust. This is the second of three conversations. In next week’s call, Christine speaks with Matthew and Jade during the couple’s session. Listen to Part One with Jade.

Most of the time people don’t act out intentionally to hurt other people, they’re acting out because they’re asking for help, even if it doesn’t seem like it. When we have chronic trauma it is very hard for us to be aware of how it is affecting our behavior.

When we look at behavior, especially something like unfaithfulness or cheating, if we just look at the behavior we can get angry. Angry at ourselves and angry at the person. We may call it unforgivable, and maybe it is. But when we look at what is underneath the behavior, what’s really driving the behavior, it can give us a different perspective and move us into compassion and ultimately forgiveness.

Compassion and forgiveness offer hope that a relationship can be healed.My upcoming Signature Retreat is for women who are ready to let go of their limiting beliefs. For a nurturing self-care experience join like-minded women from October 13‒15 in San Diego, CA. To apply go to ChristineHassler.com/signatureretreat. Apply by July 10th to get the early bird discount.

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Consider/Ask Yourself:

• Do you struggle with self-worth issues?
• Have you ever been unfaithful or have you been in a relationship where someone has betrayed you, lied to you, or been unfaithful to you?
• Did you grow up in a home where there was abuse and chaos and you never really felt worthy or loved or safe?
• Are you on a personal discovery journey and you’re clear that you’re changing things but the people around you may not believe you and that can be frustrating?

Matthew’s Question:

Matthew struggles with self-worth and trust issues. He would like guidance on how to find internal validation and create a safe space for Jade.

Matthew’s Key Insights and Ahas:

• He lied, manipulated, and cheated during the relationship but, that’s not who he wants to be.
• He feels Jade is having trouble trusting him again.
• He has trouble trusting Jade.
• He wants to heal his past traumas.
• He wants to feel loved, cared for, trusted, and secure in his relationship.
• He feels his needs can be met.
• He is on a self-discovery journey.
• He has always felt he was insignificant and had to fight for love.
• He has witnessed infidelity and abuse in his life.
• He is working on forgiving himself.
• He seeks external validation, mostly from women.
• He is seeking out ways to bring joy into his life.
• He is becoming aware of the energy he shares with women.
• He has an anxious attachment style in his relationships.
• He is in awe of who Jade is and sees potential in their relationship.
• He loves Jade but he feels he is under attack.

How to Get Over It and On With It:

• Find ways to feel expressed, worthy, and validated.
• Discover what being a man means to him.
• Talk to an outside resource about his childhood wounding.
• Breathe deeply to calm himself when he feels defensive.
• Have compassion for himself and the things he feels shame about.

Assignment:

• Write out the agreements he needs to make in the new version of this relationship.
• Write down the needs he would like to have met in a relationship.

Resources:

Christine Hassler — Take a Coaching Assessment

Christine Hassler Podcasts Including Coaches Corner

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Expectation Hangover, by Christine Hassler

@ChristinHassler on Twitter

@ChristineHassler on Instagram

@SacredUnionCouples on Instagram

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Jill@ChristineHassler.com — For information on any of my services

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Tweetables:

Recognizing that some people have it worse is a deflection of our own needs. Click To Tweet We only seek out dopamine hits when we don’t have enough dopamine running through our system. Click To Tweet Behavior modification is not enough to eliminate our shadow behaviors. Will alone can’t do it. We need to get to the wound that drives the behavior. Click To Tweet