Tag Archives: blog

How to set (and keep!) healthy boundaries

Research has proven that people who feel connected to others live longer, healthier lives. Creating and maintaining healthy relationships is essential to our well-being, yet not always easy . . .

Sometimes we have to set boundaries with people, which can be hard to do (especially if you relate to being a people-pleaser).

What exactly are healthy boundaries? When do we set them? And how do we do it in a way that is loving?

These are the questions I explore in today’s vlog. I also reveal the #1 reason why so many of us know we should set a boundary with someone but do not follow through with it.

We are all here to learn and grow so it’s natural to experience growing pains with people you care about. The key word here is growing not pain. Setting boundaries is part of growth.

A boundary is an self-honoring agreement inside yourself or with another person that supports your well-being AND comes from love. When we tolerate hurtful or negative treatment from another, we end up building up resentment or eventually completely pulling away. Having the courage to communicate our needs and setting a boundary is more loving then pretending something is okay when it isn’t. (Tweet This!!).

There are two kinds of boundaries. The first one being Internal boundaries, which are agreements we make with ourselves to modify a relationship. For example, you may have a very negative friend who complains every time you are together. Perhaps you have even asked the person to be more positive and they have not adjusted. You are not ready to completely sever the friendship so instead you set a boundary that you will only make plans with that person once a month versus weekly.

The other type of boundary is one you verbally request from another. Say you have a relative who always asks you, “So are you dating anyone?” or “What’s going on with your career, find a job yet?” Their intrusiveness laced with a tone of judgment makes you cringe. You want to (or have to) be around them but you keep building up resentment whenever the intrusive question is asked. Time to set a boundary!! I give you an example of how you can say it in the video.

Boundaries not only prevent us from getting resentful and eventually throwing up a barrier, they also save us from being a doormat.

So if they are so helpful, why are they so hard to set and keep? Well because we are scared. Scared that the person will be hurt or mad. Scared they won’t like us. Scared that the relationship will end.

But what is scarier is being in unhealthy relationships or tolerating behavior that feels hurtful. For relationships to grow, there are sometimes growing pains. The other person may very well get hurt or angry. You are not responsible for their reaction. You are responsible for communicating honestly and with love.

Remember: being loving is being real, authentic and courageous. It is not all words of affirmation and rosy language. Consider what boundaries it may be time to set to grow yourself and your relationships.

In the words of Brene Brown: “When we fail to set boundaries and hold people accountable, we feel used and mistreated. This is why we sometimes attack who they are, which is far more hurtful than addressing a behavior or a choice.”

Love,

Christine

P.S. I am excited to share that I will be in London and hosting a one day transformation retreat on July 21st. You are invited to join me to work on releasing emotions and situations that are holding you back. Learn tools that create lasting change and give you peace of mind. Connect with other like-minded amazing people. And receive tons of love, guidance, and coaching from me. Go here for more details and to register.

What you think will hurt someone may help them more

Are you in a relationship that you know is not what you truly want but are afraid to leave because you do not want to hurt the other person? Is there a friendship that has long passed its expiration date but you continue to stay in it because you do not want to hurt someone’s feelings?

Is someone you love, perhaps even your child, struggling with something and you keep saving them or taking care of their issues because you can’t bear to see them in pain?

Are you withholding the truth from someone or not setting necessary boundaries because you do not want them to get upset?

If you answered yes to any of the above questions I ask you to consider that you are really NOT helping the other person and contemplate the idea that in fact what you think will hurt him or her may actually help them more.

A story will help this really sink in . . .

In my early twenties I was engaged to who I believed was the love of my life. Six months before our wedding, he broke off our engagement and moved out of our apartment. I was absolutely devastated. I felt rejected, ashamed, scared and heart-broken. It hurt so badly that some days I did not want to get out of bed.

I received a lot of sympathy and “how could he do that?” comments, yet, I am certain it was not an easy choice for him either. The truth is though that he had to listen to his heart and honor the fact that something did not feel right.

At the time my perspective was that he made a choice that hurt me, but that is actually not the case. Sure, it hurt at the time, but his choice to break off the engagement was one of the best things that ever happened to me.

That expectation hangover inspired me to take a deeper look at myself and own the ways I showed up in a relationship. I looked at how my own unhappiness with myself affected my partner. I dove into my own personal development and worked with my coach because I realized that if I was not happy with myself, then how would anyone else be happy with me?!?!

My career and mission today is a direct result of that breakup and the healing it catalyzed. I would not be living this amazing life that I love had my ex-fiancé not had the courage to end our engagement.

I understand that breaking up with someone, or ending a friendship, or being honest, or stepping back and letting someone you love figure their own way through a difficult situation is not easy. I really get that it can seem cruel. However, what is crueler is not making choices from truth and love. In the long run staying in any relationship that you are not 100% committed to is not fair to either one of you. Withholding honesty in close relationships will make them distant and cause resentment over time and rescuing someone repeatedly impedes their ability to learn self-reliance and resilience.

This is the topic I coach Sandie on during this week’s episode of the podcast. She is in a relationship she knows is not healthy but has been scared to leave because she does not want to hurt her partner.

Go here to listen to episode 143

Being the catalyst for someone else’s expectation hangover, like my ex-fiancé was for me, offers them a wake up call. You could help them MORE by being the reason they work on themselves and ultimately make their own life better. Of course this is not a guarantee, as some people stay in a victim story and remain under gray skies. But all of us have a choice in terms of how we respond to someone else’s behavior and choices.

Please do not sacrifice your own well-being and growth because you are putting someone else’s feelings before your truth. Communicate with love, kindness, compassion and respect. Just because the truth is not necessarily what someone else wants to hear, does not make it mean. The truth is the truth. Have the courage to honor your truth and give others the dignity of their own process.

Love,

Christine

P.S. Have you been wanting to take your coaching business to the next level? Then make sure to register for my Masterclass Training for Coaches, June 30th and July 1st in San Diego, CA. Go here for more details and to register.

P.P.S. I am excited to share that I will be in London and hosting a one day transformation retreat on July 21st. You are invited to join me to work on releasing emotions and situations that are holding you back. Learn tools that create lasting change and give you peace of mind. Connect with other like-minded amazing people. And receive tons of love, guidance, and coaching from me. Go here for more details and to register.

Is There Someone You’re Trying to Change or Save?

Is there someone in your life you really hope will change? Do you find yourself taking on the responsibility for other people’s transformation? Do you even get annoyed when you see someone you care about not living into the potential you see in them?

I get it. When I dove into all this personal growth stuff in my early twenties, boy oh boy, did I find myself preaching a lot. I had so much new information I wanted to share about how we can awaken and free ourselves from suffering. When I saw someone suffering, I felt a responsibility to save them. And when someone was not acting the way I thought was best, I really believed I could change them. HA!

What I have learned over the years is that it is not our job or our right to save anyone. But obviously we want to make a positive impact on others so how do we do that without taking on the responsibility of savior?

Many years ago I was in a relationship with someone and wanted him to be different. My spiritual teacher at the time said something to me that I have never forgotten. As I was complaining about how he wasn’t doing “his work” and “diving deep enough into his issues” she looked at me and lovingly said, “Christine, you do not walk into a nursery and wake up sleeping babies.”

In that moment, I got it . . .

People wake up when they are ready to wake up. Sure we may inspire some part of their awakening but ultimately it is on their own Divine timing. It is more loving to give someone the dignity of their own process instead of trying to try to change them. (Tweet This!!)

This may make logical sense; however, often it’s hard to give up trying to change someone – be it a friend, family member or romantic partner. You think your love is the magic potion that will save or transform them. You see the hurt little boy or girl under the toxic behavior. You recognize the pain underneath the addiction. You can see all their potential and possibility.

I see this pattern in so many, especially those of you Lightworkers.  But it is exhausting to take on the responsibility for someone else’s transformation. And the reason it is exhausting is because it is not possible. The only person you can change is the one reading these words right now.

Going back to the example from my own life, I realized that the person that really needed to go to a deeper level spiritually and emotionally was me. But it was way easier to fixate on him and all the things he could and should do differently.

My encouragement to you is turn your focus back toward yourself and give the other person back to God. Their awakening is between them and their Higher Power.

If someone is not changing or evolving in the way you are requesting or hoping to inspire, that is not your fault. You have a huge heart with so much love to give and I understand that it feels like love can heal anything.

Sure we can be catalysts for another person’s change but in MOST cases in order to be that catalyst we have to be totally unattached to being it. It is detachment, acceptance and honoring our own truth that often creates the inspiration for someone to find the truth within themselves. That said, don’t try to strategize about how to be unattached hoping they will change – that is still attachment!

Instead walk the talk. Be the vibration you desire from others. What inspires people most is how you live your life.  Stop trying to wake up sleeping babies. . . let their precious souls rest until they are ready.

Is there someone you have been trying to save or trigger their transformation? I am here to support you in liberating yourself from that responsibility and respecting their process.

Fondly,

Christine

This will save you time and make you money

If you are a coach of any kind or aspire to be a coach or entrepreneur in the wellness industry, I am committed to helping you thrive both personally and professionally.

As you may know, I started my coaching practice in 2004 when no one knew about life coaching. It was also a time when being an entrepreneur and leaving a “safe” corporate job was not nearly as common as it is today. There were not many resources out there that taught how to build a more heart-centered business. And there were also not a lot of other people my age pursuing the same thing. So I had to figure a lot out on my own.

In the figuring it out process, I made a lot of mistakes but I also discovered a way to build a thriving business in the personal development space that did not require me to overwork or go into debt.

Today I am proud to say that I never see the work I do in my career as a coach, speaker, podcast host, retreat facilitator and author as work. One of the things I love doing most is teaching other entrepreneurs in the coaching and wellness space, how to thrive professionally – and save you from wasting your time and making a lot of the mistakes I made.

That is why I am so excited to invite you to my Masterclass Workshop for coaches and wellness entrepreneurs on June 30th and July 1st in San Diego, where I will teach you what it took me nearly a decade to learn.

We are going to cover a LOT of ground over the weekend that will empower you to become both MASTERFUL and PROFITABLE in your career. You need both. You cannot just be a great coach or trainer and expect to be profitable. And you cannot just follow systems to generate income without being exceptional at your craft.

I know you may be thinking, “How are you going to teach us all that in two days?”

Well here’s the thing . . . since I have been doing this for so long and have already coached hundreds of coaches, I already know what is in your way (because it’s been in my way too), and I know how to create shifts that will get you out of your way.

Here are some common limiting beliefs that we will be busting through over the weekend:

You think you need more training.
You think you need a better website.
You are afraid to leave your “safe” job.
You think you need to be more evolved, more “there”, more enlightened and have your life more perfect before you can help others.
You are focused too much on serving people and not focused enough on making money.
You believe there is too much competition out there.
You suffer from imposter syndrome (who am I to be coaching others?).
You’re comfortable with coaching people but when it comes to talking about your fees and actually enrolling them as a client, you cringe.
You treat it too much like a hobby and not like a business.
You are worried about being judged so you do not blog or do social media.
You edit and re edit and re edit and stall and stall when it comes to putting any content out publicly.
You feel overwhelmed.
You question whether you are good enough to coach or truly help others.
Any of those ring true? I’m guessing that there were a few (or all of them) that resonated. You are not alone!! It is common for entrepreneurs in the coaching and wellness space to encounter a lot of self-doubt because you are dealing with other people’s lives. That is not something to take lightly! However, your self-doubt and limiting beliefs are actually getting in the way of serving people (and being able to pay your bills doing something you love!).

The other thing that may be getting in your way is not investing in your own training. One of the pinnacles to my success is investing in myself by hiring coaches and doing trainings that truly resonate with me.

Many of you have shared with me that you resonate with my work. That also means you resonate with how I work and the lifestyle I live. If you come to my Masterclass, you will learn directly from me and Jill Esplin, who has worked with me for over eight years in every aspect of our business, how we thrive professionally without sacrificing our personal lives. We are pulling back the curtain on our business and showing you how you can have the career and lifestyle of your dreams.

You will also have the opportunity to get one-on-one coaching from me that will be priceless.

There is limited space at this event so GO HERE to read more of the
details and claim your spot.

Questions about whether this Masterclass is right for you? Jill has the answers so please email her: jill@christinehassler.com

You deserve a career that is both profitable and fulfilling! And you CAN have it. I promise. Take a big step and enroll today! I got you ☺

Love,

Christine