Tag Archives: childhood

EP 143: Step Off the Codependent Path and Break Generational Patterns with Sandie


TEP143his call is about struggling with a decision and breaking free of unhealthy patterns. Today’s caller, Sandie, knows what she should do but needs validation that the choice is the right one for her. My coaching to her covers codependency, overcoming addictions and breaking generational patterns.

Until we heal what has hurt us in our childhoods we look for people who remind us of the parent that hurt us the most. We keep going to the same well, with a different face, hoping that finally there will be water in it instead of healing our core issues, loving ourselves and breaking the pattern.

And, sometimes when a child grows up with a single parent the child grows up more quickly and becomes a kind of surrogate spouse to the single parent. Then, part of the child’s identity is to be in a relationship as a caretaker which can lead to codependency.

A lot of us struggle with accepting the good things that come to us. The universe opens a door but walking through it means leaving something or someone else behind.

When you are delivering the truth with love, if the receiving person gets upset, it is their responsibility. Oftentimes, the most loving choice is the honest choice. Loving someone doesn’t mean placating them. Loving someone doesn’t mean staying in a situation that is not good for you because you don’t want to hurt the other person. Often, the decisions that hurt people the most truly help them the most.

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Consider/Ask Yourself:

  • Are you at a crossroads? Are there decisions you are struggling with?
  • Do you not want to repeat the lives of your parents but you see yourself going down a similar path?
  • Can you identify with being a little codependent? Where you enmeshed with one of your parents?
  • Was one of your parents an addict?
  • Are you currently in a relationship with an addict?

Sandie’s Question:

Sandie feels that she is at a crossroads in her life and would like to know if she should follow a job opportunity.

Sandie’s Key Insights and Ahas:

  • She is in a relationship with an older man who is an addict.
  • Her father is a severe alcoholic.
  • She never felt loved by her father.
  • She has an offer for a new job.
  • She doesn’t want to follow in her mother’s footsteps.
  • She feels responsible for other people’s feelings.
  • She’s codependent.
  • She always wanted her dad to change.
  • She knew the right thing for her all along.

How to Get Over It and On With It:

  • She should say yes to the opportunity to get out of her current situation.
  • She should go to Al-Anon.
  • She needs to get a counselor.
  • She should take a break from dating for one year.
  • She needs to write out what her life will look like if she continues down her current path.

Assignments For You:

  • If you have been or are currently in a relationship with an addict I recommend Al-Anon.
  • If you are coming out of a relationship I encourage you not to date for a while. Get to know yourself.
  • If you have a big decision don’t wait until you feel ready.
  • If you are scared about something imagine a worst-case future scenario.
  • If you are at a crossroads and you don’t know what to do, seek the advice of a professional.
  • If someone in your life says they will change but never do, it might be time for you to make some changes.


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Often, the decisions we think hurt people the most are the ones that help them the most.… Click To Tweet

Until we heal what hurt us in our childhoods, we search out people who remind us of the parent,… Click To Tweet Getting sober and overcoming addiction is a spiritual path. http://apple.co/1hO8XZR… Click To Tweet


EP 120: Breaking Up with Sugar and Finding Lasting Sweetness with Marina


This episode is about finding the true sweetness in life. Today’s caller, Marina, feels like she is stuck, especially when it comes to resisting sugar and taking care of her body. As you will hear in the call, It’s not actually sugar she is craving.

We don’t overcome our eating patterns with discipline alone. There is no one diet or one book that fixes it. Usually, there is a deeper issue at play that goes back to our childhood.

When it comes to dealing with any kind of food addiction or self-sabotaging behavior when it comes to food or exercise it is important we get to the root of the issue and get support to start building new healthy habits.

Most people try to change themselves because they want to get away from something. It may get them to a certain point but it is depleting because it employs criticism and restriction. This ‘moving away from’ motivation triggers your inner rebel which is why it usually doesn’t work.

Having ‘toward’ motivation is becoming a disciple and having a loving following of the thing you are moving toward, like your health and well being.

I find, people who crave sugar didn’t have a lot of sweetness or nurturing growing up. They internalize an overly critical or controlling parent or they use self-criticism as a motivator. Sweetness and nurturing is something we humans need. If you weren’t soothed as a child food can become a soothing strategy. Give yourself the sweetness and nurturing you may not have gotten growing up.

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Consider/Ask Yourself:

  • Do you feel stuck or like you are sabotaging yourself in some area of your life?
  • Do you have a sugar or food addiction?
  • Are you hard on yourself especially when judging yourself as lazy or lacking self-discipline?
  • Did you grow up with a lot of sweetness and nurturing in your life?

Marina’s Question:

Marina feels limited in her ability to be happy and that she lacks discipline.

Marina’s Key Insights and Ahas:

  • She has created self-supportive habits for herself.
  • She breaks agreements with herself when it comes to food and exercise.
  • She has an emotional craving for sweetness.
  • She grew up with fear and criticism as motivators.
  • She is a rebelling against herself.

How to Get Over It and On With It:

  • She should speak kindly to herself when feels stressed.
  • She should soothe herself with something else.
  • She should do grief work around what she wanted from her parents and be a loving parent to herself.
  • She should find a way to do things without them feeling oppressive.
  • She should research her blood sugar levels.


  • Don’t try to beat your sugar addiction with willpower alone.
  • If you feel stuck in any aspect of your life become a disciple and find your ‘toward motivation’ to get what you want.
  • Find ways to be sweet to yourself and self-soothe.
  • Write an ‘I wish’ letter to your parents and then use it to give yourself the gift of inner sweetness.


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